Killing me softly
by Mosquito
Summary: Willow leaves Sunnydale after seeing Spike and Buffy together- Will Spike follow her?


Title: Killing me softly   
Author: Mosquito   
Date: 22-03-04   
Category: Romance, Angst   
Summery: Willow leaves Sunnydale after witnessing Spike with Buffy- Will he go after her?  
Dedication: To Aurelie, who welcomed me with open arms after I changed majors halfway through the year.  
  
Her eyes burned. She'd been driving for days and wouldn't give into her weary eyes. She'd stopped and checked into motels to try and get some sleep but memories wouldn't allow her much peace. It was as if it burned her eyes when she closed the lids and relived what had driven her away. They'd have noticed by now that she was gone. There was no doubt about that. They'd probably also be frantically looking for her. She didn't doubt that either. She just didn't care anymore. Well that wasn't true. She just didn't care about Buffy and Spike anymore; and if she were really being honest with herself she'd know that wasn't the truth either, but the pain in her heart was still to fresh and wouldn't allow her to make the proper distinction. Xander would be truly worried about her. She shouldn't have just left him hanging. He deserved to know what was going on.  
Sitting in the motel she had just rented for the night, she considered calling him and letting him know she was all right: well, physically in any case. But what would happen if Spike and Buffy were there when she called? She couldn't talk to them- not yet; she wasn't ready or strong enough to be able to. The photos she held in her hand proved her right. She'd taken the most important ones: Spike and her together; Buffy, Xander, and her together; Anya and Giles behind the counter of the magic shop; and her parents. All the important relationships: Parents, friends, and lover.  
She sighed. Plopping herself down on the bed next to the phone she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then picked it up. Deciding to call Xander's cell rather than his house phone, she dialled and waited for it to ring.  
Ring.  
Ring.  
Ring.  
"Hello?" A tired voice said.  
"Xander, it's Willow?"  
"Willow! Oh God! Are you okay? Where are you, I'll come and get you!" His frantic voice told her.  
"No Xander. I'm not coming back. Not for a while."  
"What? Willow, you can't!"  
"I have to Xander. I have to figure things out. I need to think. I just wanted to call you and tell you that I'm okay, that I wasn't vamped or killed or anything else along that line."  
There was a pause and then Xander asked what Willow knew he really wanted to know. "Why did you leave Willow? Especially without telling me? I've been so worried, you've been gone for three days."  
Willow sighed before answering, giving herself time to formulate a proper answer. "My last class got out early on Tuesday. Usually I go to the library, but I forgot my key to the house, so I thought I'd go home and get it before Spike went to work. Buffy's car was in the driveway. You know, Xander," she snorted, "I actually thought that she and Spike were researching. I let myself in the door, which for some reason was unlocked and went looking for them. I wish I hadn't."  
"Willow, do you mean?" Xander's voice gave into surprise.  
"Yeah, in our bed. I don't get it Xander, wasn't I enough? Didn't he love me anymore?" Her desperate voice voiced her tears. "Why Buffy? Is it some kind of slayer thing? Did I do something to her that she would repay me that way?"  
"Oh, Willow, no. It's not you. You didn't do anything, Wills. I don't know why they did it, but I'll find out for you. I promise it's not you though. How can I get in touch with you, Wills?"  
"I'll set up a new e-mail address when I get to a Internet café. I'll e-mail you, okay?"  
"Alright. You really won't come home?"  
"No. I think I'm done with Sunnydale. I'll call you when I have a more permanent address."  
"Okay." He said softly. "I love you Wills."  
"I'll talk to you soon, Xander." She said and put down the phone. Releasing the proverbial breath she had been holding she lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, as if almost willing it to crash down on her and end the nightmare she'd found herself in.  
  
One year later:  
  
"Hey, Will, have you seen my blue shirt?" A voice called from the bedroom.  
Willow smiled at her roommate's forgetfulness. "Yeah Lin, It's in the laundry bag."  
"Damn. I wanted to wear that today. Um, can I borrow something?"  
"Sure." Willow called back. They were both due at work in 15 minutes. Good thing they lived relatively nearby and Lin could drive fast.  
After leaving Sunnydale, Willow had landed up in Toronto. She'd tried Chicago, but it still didn't seem far enough away from Sunnydale. It wasn't until she reached Canada that her breathing became more even, and once she got to Toronto she managed to sleep, not fantastically, but as time went on it got better.   
Her parents had sold the house in Sunnydale after finding out about her move and had supported her when she arrived in Toronto until she found her own way. In a Tim Horton's while getting coffee one morning she'd met Linda and a week later they were rooming in her apartment. Linda worked for a computer company that specialised in web design and upgrades, and Willow's knack for anything computer based allowed her to get a job in the software compartment working on anti hack programs. The fact that she hadn't even finished college didn't even seem to deter them, but rather, gave her an opportunity as they paid for her to take classes at the University of Toronto with her working on her days off, and her guarantee that she worked for at least five years after graduation.  
Getting in the car, they drove down Young Street getting stuck in traffic like they always did. "Have you heard anything from home lately?" Lin asked.  
Willow had told her what had happened back in Sunnydale causing her to run off. She was understanding about almost everything, but hoped that Willow could someday return home. Willow always snorted at the comment. "Xander e-mailed again. Everyone's doing fine. He said that Buffy was hurt on patrol, but it's nothing major, and that Anya's pregnant. Giles is going back to London in a few days on vacation; he's doing well too. Had the whole 'proud papa' thing going." As always willow left out Spike.  
As always Lin asked, "and how's Spike?"  
"Still undead. Still depressed, and still drinking too much." She sighed.  
"Are you just gonna let him be piss drunk like that. He knows he hurt you. Hell, he sent that letter to you through Xander. That must mean something."  
Willow didn't answer, but kept looking out the window avoiding. Linda must have gotten the hint, because she didn't say anything else until they arrived at the office.  
"You're gonna have to face this someday, you know." She said.  
"Yeah, I know. It's just that in the letters he doesn't even mention his affair with Buffy. It's like he seems to think he doesn't know why I left." Willow answered as they headed into the building ready to clock in another 8 hours of work. Just as soon as she got into the lab the phone rang and was passed to her. "Willow Rosenberg." She said.  
"Wills!" Came Xander's voice. "He's gone!"  
"Who Xander?"  
"Spike! I don't know where he went either. Buffy went past his place on patrol last night and he had moved out."  
Willow was worried. Though she wouldn't talk to Spike, she couldn't kid herself that she was still in love with him. That just knowing that he was in Sunnydale comforted her. With him there Buffy would be okay, the Hellmouth could be managed and the man she loved would still be there in case she ever came home. All that was over now. With Spike gone, that meant that she would never have reason to go home. She might as well move on with her life now, find someone new and make the most of it.  
"Wills, you there?" Xander asked.  
"Yeah, Xan. I'm here."  
"He's probably out looking for you."  
"Maybe." Willow said. "Did you tell him where I was?"  
"No. You told me not to." Willow didn't know if she should have been happy or depressed. Maybe he was getting on with his life too. It was for the better. She was sure of it, but still... it seemed like loose ends were left, and that she was missing something. "We're gonna keep an eye out for him, Willow. I just wanted to let you know."  
"Thanks Xander. I'll call you soon. Say hi to the gang for me." And when she said gang, she knew that he knew she meant Anya and Giles. Buffy was excluded, and probably always would be.  
"I will. Bye Willow."  
"Bye Xander." Willow said and put down the phone. She turned back to the computer pieces in front of her, and with a screwdriver in hand went back to fixing the pieces in that she'd been working on previous to the call.  
Willow loved her job. Reinventing computers and adding new hardware was great. For hours she could sit and tinker with them, then when she was done she'd turn it on and get to play with it, seeing if it was to her liking. If not, she started again. If she was satisfied it was sent to a different division, where they input software and checked to make sure it was user friendly. At the moment she was tackling her biggest task. Having seen the computer Ben Affleck had made in the movie Paycheck, Willow was on a mission to be able to make the same thing. She'd spent hours with a professor in the university learning everything she could about holograms and projection. Now she happily fiddled with the bits and pieces in order to achieve her goal. She was a long way from completion, but the process was so much fun. It took her mind away from all her problems: Sunnydale. No matter how long it was that she'd left, or how far she got, it would always linger in her mind as a constant problem. One she would never get to and maybe even want to solve.  
Linda walked into the laboratory at about one to pick Willow up for lunch. The warm weather had appealed to Lin, and she therefore had decided on a lunch break outside of the building. Much to the annoyance of her boss. After a Tuna salad sandwich and a glass of ice tea, Willow sat back in her chair looking at the busy city and all the people walking past. "This was such a good idea." She heard Lin groan in her chair, her head faced up, catching the rays of the sun.  
"It was." Willow said, not really into the whole out thing. Her mind was still focused on Xander's news. She told Linda what had happened and then sat back to listen to her friend's conclusion on the whole matter.  
Lin was quiet for a moment, thinking about everything, processing. "Give him three months."  
"Huh?" Willow said lost.  
"Give Spike three months, and he'll be here looking for you. I know he will. He can't continue on, he needs to get things right with you. That's why he hung out in Sunnydale so long, hoping you'd return home. Then, when you didn't, he decided to take it on himself to find you. Like I said, give him three months."  
"Then what?"  
"If he's not here in three months, we'll find you some new guy. If he is, then you guys'll figure it out. Don't worry. In a year from today everything will be alright, and all of it will seem like ancient history."  
Paying the bill and walking back to the office Willow thought about what Lin said, and considered it doable. She'd wait out her three months, and then if he didn't appear she'd really get on with her life: throw herself into dating, finding a new boyfriend, and hoping everything would turn out just right. There were more men in the world than Spike, and they weren't all bloodsucking unsouled vampires.  
  
Two months and 23 days later  
  
The office party had been fun. Christmas was in a couple days, and all was well. Linda would be leaving for her parents' house tonight, so that meant that Willow would have the place to herself. It wasn't that she hadn't been invited; it was just that she didn't celebrate and therefore preferred to sit on the couch by herself. So she said. In truth, Willow wanted to sit and think. Not only was Christmas in a couple days, but so was her three month promise. Now she had to decide if she wasn't to get back into the dating ring, or if she wanted to continue waiting. Also, Willow wanted to brood on the thought that Spike still hadn't found her. Had she covered her tracks too carefully, or was it that he just didn't care anymore, and really wasn't coming?  
Her thoughts were premature though, because at about ten to ten, just as she had crawled into her favourite chair with the book she'd been reading lately, there was a knock on the door. Willow put her book down, dismissing it as Linda probably having forgotten something; she had a key though even though she was always too lazy to use it. The knock came again. Sighing she got off the armchair and headed for the door. "Coming," She called.  
It wasn't until she opened the door and saw Spike there that she had wished that she actually hadn't done that. "Spike?"  
"Oh, God, Willow." Spike said stepping forward, wanting to hug her, and ran into the barrier on her apartment.  
Willow took a step back, and continued to look at him. He didn't look as bad as Xander made him out to be. He smelled, that was for a fact, but it wasn't of booze. Cigarettes, and probably a lack of regular showers most likely had something to do with it.  
"Willow?" His pained eyes pierced her.  
"Come in, Spike." She said.  
Presto, the barrier was gone, and Spike walked in, taking her into his arms. Willow refrained from wrapping her arms around him, though, and just allowed him to touch her. Untangling herself from him, Willow went into the kitchen to get a bottle of water and then showed Spike into the living room, where he took a seat on the couch.  
"God, Luv, why did you leave?" Then looking at the floor he added in a soft voice, "why did you leave me?"  
"Leave you?" Willow's voice was even with a twitch of anger. "Why do you think Spike?"  
"I don't know!" He yelled, standing up and ran his hands through his hair while walking over to the window and peering out. "I came home from work and all your things were gone. No note. What was I to think? You were gone and I didn't know why."  
"I assume Xander has enlightened you since then."  
Spike abruptly turned and looked at her in shock. "I didn't... He didn't... What he said was true? You saw- you knew?"  
"Did I see you screwing my best friend in our bed? Yes." They were quiet for a moment, and then Willow continued. "What did you expect me to do after that?"  
"We could have talked. I don't know, figured something out-"  
"What? That I would be your fiancée while you screwed my best friend behind my back, and pretend that everything would be okay, that I wouldn't care?"  
"No, that's not what I meant."  
"Then what, Spike? What would we have worked out?" Willow's voice was rising with anger, but she didn't move from her seat in the armchair.  
"I don't know. I was stopping the affair; I wanted to be rid of everything. I was going to come clean to you, but then you left. I was so lost, Willow. I didn't know what to do."  
"You seem fine to me. A little ripe, but you're fine."  
"I'm dying without you."  
"You're already dead." She countered. "I just want to know two thing, Spike, before I kick you out on your ass and do a spell to keep you out for good: Why? And was it worth it?"  
Spike was silent for a moment, contemplating what he would tell her. "I don't know. One night during patrol something just happened, and we couldn't stop it. I wanted to, so did Buffy, but we couldn't. We just didn't know how. We knew we were hurting you, but there just seemed to be a pull between us. Something that you and I didn't have. Then when you were gone, I was frantic. I went looking all over for you. I went to Xander and asked him to help me. "We went to all the motels in the area, and we checked with some of your friends at UC Sunnydale. No one knew where you were, and what had happened to you. I thought you had been kidnapped or killed or something. Then about three days later Xander knocked on the front door, and when I opened it he slugged me.   
"He beat the crap out of me asking me what I was thinking hurting you like that, and if I ever even loved you. When he finally told me what had happened I denied it, saying that you wouldn't have known, that we were careful. He slugged me again just for that. That's when I realised what I had said and done. I let him beat me some more, and he left me on the living room floor unconscious and covered in my own blood." Spike came to kneel in front of Willow and looked into her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Red. I'm so fucking sorry. I love you so much, and I hurt you so badly. Stake me, hit me- anything. I deserve it."   
Blood tears rolled down his eyes as he hung his head and placed it on Willow's lap. "I can't stake you, Spike." She said softly. "I still love you, so much. I can't forgive you yet, either. I need to be able to trust you to forgive you and let you into my life again the way you were before."   
Spike nodded understanding. Now she would throw him out, and he'd go and find a motel to stay in until she accepted him back again.   
"Until then, I have a spare bedroom you can make use of. My room mate move out last week to live with her boyfriend, so you're welcome to take that room. You have to help with the bills though."   
Spike's head shot up surprised. Was she kidding? She was allowing him to atone for what he'd done. He didn't know what to say or do, he just followed her as she showed him where he could find everything, including towels as she ushered him into the bathroom they would now be sharing. He was being given a chance, he couldn't have thought of a better out come. This time he would be true to her. He would be right by her, and he would be everything she expected of him. Giving her reason to get rid of him or leave him again, wasn't going to happen. He'd make sure of that. He loved her too much for that. His mistake with the Slayer was long over, and he wouldn't think of jeperdising what he'd already lost once. Red.  
  
The End


End file.
